trash tv
So over the summer, while my dad's at work and my sister's off volunteering or taking some kind of lesson, my mom and I would watch the trashiest tv we could find. She doesn't understand why I watch "Passions" ("No one wears ballgowns in their own home"...."No mom...that's 'Days of Our Lives'"), and yet she watches "Maury" more than I do.
Mom: I don't think it's real. Look! She's about to tell her husband she cheated on her, and she's only pretending to cry. No tears.
Me: Well,...oh wait! Look! That might be a tear.
Mom: No, that's just the lighting. And I could've sworn I've seen her from a previous episode. I think they recycle these people. How else do you find so many people with these problems?
Me: Are you kidding? Do you know how many people want to get paternity tests but just can't afford them? That's why they come on here.
Mom: Yeah well, there was this lady on here yesterday. Brought the 20th guy she's dragged on here, and he's still not the baby's father. I don't know if she's just stupid or a just a whore.
Then Jen comes home and gives me weird looks for watching "Pokemon" or "Yugioh." They're good shows, ok?? Anyway, I watched "The Biggest Loser" yesterday, and it's actually not that bad. It's like "The Swan" but without cosmetic surgery. There's just something about shows with before/after shots thats so....witching. Like, really. It's like magic. Where'd all those pounds go, fatty?
Last, but not least, shows I'm watching now:
1. Prison Break--I follow this show religiously...highly recommend watching it. It's smart, it's exciting, and the guy has amazing ice blue eyes.
2. My Name is Earl--Nothing like watching white trash testing out karma. And plus, Jason Lee is fabulous.
3. Alias--Don't know why I didn't start watching this show until recently. I want to get the old seasons and start from the very beginning.
4. Lost--Another show that I've only recently started watching.
5. SVU--I like this one best out of all the crime shows. I don't really know why...I guess it's because I've watched it more than the other ones so the characters grow on me.
garbage bags
Okay, if you really hate rainy days, and they really get you down...here's something to try.
Step 1: focus on a random object (the weirder the better)
Step 2: convince yourself that you're in love with it. No, seriously. Think of yourself as a camera focusing in on the one thing that you find significant.
Step 3: own it. Say, "That's my soggy branch, and no one else is going to appreciate but me."
Step 4: find another object and fall in love with it too.
After all, it's so easy getting hooked on the average rose or pretty cloud...but these commonplace items need love too. It's a lot harder when you're focusing on people though--to really fall in love with an ordinary person's ordinary quality. I'm pretty sure that people who love everything about everybody are experts at self-hypnosis because I just can't manage to do it.
One more thing about the rain. Back in high school, the guys freaked out about downpours more than the girls did. Why? "Yo man, I just got these new Tiiiiiiiiims." Result: plenty of douchebags walking around with garbage bags tied around their feet. Don't even try to justify it, please. Ever hear of spray-on rainguard? Believe it or not, it works--even on suede. That's how I wear my Tims in the rain, y'hear?
Identity theft
There are a few things you should know if you're planning on stealing my identity:
1. TV is more regenerative than sleep. Watch it, like, all the time.
2. Whenever you buy something, make sure guilt immediately follows. Don't worry, it doesn't last long. Then buy again, rinse, and repeat.
3. Never leave your room unless absolutely necessary. No study breaks, no extracurriculars, nada. Know Maslow's hierarchy of needs? Yeah. Not on top yet. Don't liberally leave your room till you actually do reach self-actualization.
4. Learn how to cry on cue.
5. Think sour grapes. Now get really really good at convincing yourself about things that just aren't true.
6. Start a million books and finish only those that will be on an exam.
7. Make resolutions based off of "Mean Girls," like only wearing a ponytail once a week (same with jeans). See how long your lazy ass tosses that fresh idea in the pooper.
8. Attempt at decorating. And embroidering, and painting, knitting, cooking, baking....
9. Realize it's futile. You don't have the attention span to produce anything from scratch.
10. Feel really really dorkish about writing in a blog. Convince yourself it's because you lack love and need attention.
But really, the main thing is to act like nobody knows.
Knows what?
I don't know. Do you know?
